


Picture Perfect

by enma



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Gen, Humour, I hope it's funny, or at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-12 18:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/814825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enma/pseuds/enma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bored Wash is a Wash who can find out your secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO. This happened. Basically it's Wash finding a picture of a male member of the crew. An embarrassing picture. ^_^

Wash was as bored as a spaceship pilot piloting his ship through endless black can be. All the systems were working fine, Kaylee was keeping the engine turning nicely, no changes in course to be made...  
All in all, b.o.r.i.n.g.   
Even his dinosaurs weren't playing today. Zoe had confiscated them off the bridge that 'morning' in an effort to stop River from putting them in unexpected places. Secretly Wash thought she just wanted to play with them herself, but knew better than to say that out loud.   
He sighed and kicked the already dented console. Nothing to do... Nobody to see... Bored as hell.   
A thought occurred to him and he sat up straight. He peered over his shoulder and down the corridor; no one in sight.   
With an evil cackle he turned to the monitors and logged in to the cortex. 

An indeterminate amount of time later;  
"What the...?!"  
Wash sat back in his chair and rubbed his eyes. Then he looked back at the screen. Nope. Still there.   
He went back and refreshed the link. No change.   
Was he really looking at what he thought it was?   
"Tamade..."  
"There a problem?"  
"Ack! N-no! Nothing! Everything's shiny!" He hurriedly closed the screen and, turning around, plastered a massive grin across his face.   
Zoe raised an eyebrow and Wash's grin wavered. She stared implacably at him, her arms crossed.   
A few seconds and Wash caved. There was no point trying to hide anything from his wife. Besides; a discovery like this needed sharing.   
He spun back round to the console, brought back up the picture and motioned Zoe closer to look.  
...  
...  
"Is that...?"  
"Yup."  
"And he's wearing...?"  
"Yup."  
...  
...  
They looked at each other in silence, letting it all sink in.   
As one they burst into peals of laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

They were sat down at the table, eating protein cleverly disguised as food when River stopped chatting to Kaylee and turned to stare into nothing.  
"Roses."  
Wash snickered and Zoe slapped his thigh with a small smile.  
Mal quirked an eyebrow at them and received a, 'I'll tell you later sir.' look.  
"Mei-mei? Are you okay?"  
River began to giggle and threw her arms around Simon's neck. While her poor brother struggled to escape the sudden, seemingly unintentional choke-hold, she crooned in his ear.  
"Pretty pretty."  
The pilot burst into laughter and his wife had to slap him on the back to stop him choking on the water he'd just drank.  
"What is going on here?"  
"I don't know captain," Simon had freed himself and was moving a happy River towards the med-bay, " I think it's time for her medication,"  
They made it to the corridor before River started singing.  
As, "pretty, pretty, so pretty, witty and gay," echoed back, both Wash and Zoe doubled up in hysterics.  
"This whole crew gone lost it." With that Jayne pulled the unattended plates to him and began wolfing it all down.  
"Much as I hate to agree with the barbarian, I am confused as to what madness has gripped my crew."  
"I'll tell you later sir. Once I've got my husband calmed down." Wiping tears from her own eyes, Zoe dragged a laughing Wash off towards their bunk.  
The others took that as the cue to start leaving, Mal and Jayne the only ones remaining. The former very confused and the latter showing his usual lack of manners and eating everything.


	3. Chapter 3

Wash finally stopped laughing as they reached their bunk. Zoe grinned at him and kissed him on the nose.  
"What do you think Mal will do when he finds out?"  
"I really don't know husband. Maybe he'll laugh." They sniggered again.  
Wash kissed Zoe gently and smiled at her. "I truly love you, wife of mine."  
Before she could reply, a slight form in a pale green dress dashed by.   
"River!"  
Simon appeared at the end of the corridor, panting and disheveled.   
The couple pointed towards the bridge.  
"Thanks."  
He only got halfway there before River sped back past them, nimbly evading her brother and giggling the whole time.   
"Wait mei-mei!"  
As he took up the chase again, Wash and Zoe looked at each other. The strange telepathy that only married couples seem to have sparked in the air between them.  
As one they joined the chase.

Jayne and Book were working out in the cargo bay as Mal chatted to Book about their next job. On the catwalk above their heads, Inara and Kaylee chatted happily about clothes and men.   
River burst in, still laughing and raced to the airlock door.   
Mal started up and after her, a bad thought churning his gut.   
With Wash and Zoe seconds behind, Simon ran in.  
River paused before the door and everyone could now see she held a small sheet of something in her hands. Quickly she put it up on the door as Mal and Simon both reached her.   
She pirouetted back around into Simon's arms and Mal stumbled to a halt.   
"What the...?"  
"What is this?"  
The two men gazed at the picture.   
River snuggled closer to her shell-shocked brother and shared a grin with an approaching Wash.  
"Well sir, that is what had us in stitches." Zoe smirked at the stunned look on Mal's face.  
The others crowded in, curious.   
After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Master Ending

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

"Jayne?!"   
Said merc flinched and slowly turned back around. He grimaced and rubbed the back of his head.   
"Ah hell. I hadn't counted on that bein' found out." A flush crept up the visible part of his neck.  
Zoe grinned as her husband was nearly in tears trying to hold back his giggles.  
Simon murmured something about madness and 'this MUST be what it feels like..." River smiled at him and ruffled his hair before hugging Kaylee and scampering off towards the galley.  
"Jayne, what in the gorram hell...?!"  
"It weren't my idea Mal! 'Sides I was drunk anyways."  
"Drunk?! You'd hafta be 'less ya got something you needin' to be tellin' us!" Against his will, Mal felt a smile trying to usurp his manly scowl.   
"Wha?! I ain't no sly lady-man! It were just a moment of crazy is all." Jayne was bright red now. "An' if ya are all finished laughing at me, I'll be in my bunk. Cleaning my guns." The last said with a meaningful glare.  
In silence broken by the occasional snicker, they watched him stomp off.  
When he was out of sight they gave in and the ship rang with peals of laughter.

Pinned on the airlock door was a picture of a burly man on stage with a bunch of dancing girls. They all wore matching frilly frocks and roses in their hair. Jayne was grinning as he kicked his fishnet-stockinged feet in time to the lively beat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending Version 2

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

River reached out and grabbed Simon's sleeve, effectively hauling him back.  
"Simon. You got something to tell us?" Mal tried valiantly not to smile at the reddening doctor.  
He stood there and couldn't meet anyone's eyes.   
"HAH!" Jayne whooped and turned to Book. "I TOLD ya he was sly!!! Pay up!"  
"Wait!! It was a bet! My college roommate dared me to!!"   
"Sure. I believe ya Doc." Mal flung an arm round the wide-eyed younger man. "Don't worry. It looks good on ya. Sweetheart."  
The rest of the crew burst into laughter as Simon spluttered.

Pinned to the airlock door was a picture of a young bride in a long, elegant dress. Short black hair was pinned at the back by a long veil and a lovely rosebud bouquet was held in lace-gloved hands. Simon's blue eyes glittered beneath mascara-ed lashes as he blushed furiously.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending Version 3

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

"Shepherd?!"  
Kaylee sat down in shock. River slumped down beside her and giggled happily.  
Jayne started edging away from the preacher, a look of horror upon his face.  
Mal stood there with his jaw hanging open. "Somebody pinch me. I must be dreami-OW!"   
He glared at Simon, who gazed back with an innocent expression.   
"Well, Book. This is certainly a surprise." Inara chuckled as she glanced back at the picture. "Care to explain?"  
Book sighed and faced them all, taking in the amused, the shocked and Jayne.   
"It was a lesson in humility. Apparently I was too prideful and that was the best way to fix it."   
"I would surely hate to have been part of your order, sounds like they were more inta humiliatin' people."  
"Actually Captain, I quite enjoyed it. It gave me a certain sense of freedom." A wink at freshly horrified faces and Book turned and left.

Pinned to the airlock door was a picture of a middle aged lady. She wore a rose-decorated bonnet and carried a basket of vegetables. The sun glinted off the cross hanging beneath a barely hidden dog-collar, and Book smiled at the camera.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending Version 4

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

Sensing unwelcome attention, Simon debated between running for it or staying put and facing the music.  
Unfortunately Zoe was blocking the way to freedom. She did not look easy to move.  
"Simon?" Kaylee was grinning. "That's a really... wow... picture..."  
He groaned inwardly as Jayne began to leer.  
"Who woulda thought it? Seems you ain't so much of a prude after all."   
"Shut up Jayne. Care to explain this, Simon?" Mal was smirking openly.   
"Uh... I uh..." This was humiliating.   
River smiled gently at him and mouthed 'love you'. Taking heart, he stood tall and looked them all in the eye.  
"I needed information. The only gentleman willing to provide it asked a favour in return."

Pinned to the airlock door was a picture of a young man reclining on black silken sheets. Completely nude, his lightly defined muscles were oiled and gleamed in the candlelight. Simon held a bunch of roses to protect his modesty as he posed for the camera.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending Version 5

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

"What? I have... captainly duties need attending to."  
"Mal... I think you need to explain this." Inara's companion composure was struggling not to crack and allow the laughter through.  
He glanced at each one in turn, taking note of those who were amused and those who were still stunned.  
"It was a job. Nothing more, nothing less. Now can everybody get back to their duties or is there a mutiny I wasn't informed about?"  
"Zoe immediately dragged her husband out, knowing better than to push further. Kaylee scampered out after them and, after receiving a flat glare, Jayne followed.   
Book smiled at Inara and, taking her arm, lead the way to the galley. "I believe that is our cue to depart."  
"Indeed." On the way out, Inara sent Mal an evil smirk. He shuddered and resisted the impulse to stick his tongue out at her.  
Grumbling he turned back to the picture and tore it off the door. Scrunching it up in his hand he tossed it over his shoulder as he left.   
Simon and River, forgotten in the hasty exodus, smiled at each other. River retrieved the picture and smoothed it out. 

Although badly creased, the picture was that of a handsome man with piercing blue eyes. He wore a fluffy sheep costume with the head under one arm. He scowled at the camera and fiddled with the rose pinned to the sheep's chest.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Ending

After a minute or two of silence, they turned to look at one crew member who'd been edging his way towards the exit.

"Um. Captain?"   
"Yes lil Kaylee?" He didn't turn round.  
"That picture..."  
"Is nothing. No one mentions it. Ever. You hear me?" Everyone quickly hid their smiles as he spun round to scowl at them all.  
"Ain't like you to be embarrassed about bein' naked. Why you..." The venomous glare shut Jayne up pretty effectively. Mal made a note to use it more often.  
"It's nothing. Dong ma?"   
Wary of his wrath, they filed slowly out to the rest of the ship, muttering quietly about the picture.   
Mal pretended not to hear them. He wasn't really mad, but it was never a good idea to let the crew think they could laugh at you.   
Plus, it gave him even more mystery. They would ponder on the picture for a good time.  
He stared at it for a long moment, lost in memories. 

Mal lay sprawled out on the bear skin rug, the fur ticklish against his bare skin. It was a rare luxury, one he'd not had before. He was going to take full advantage of it.

He didn't hear the hotel room door open, nor the light footsteps of the cleaning maid.


End file.
